Four and a half demons
by RubberJam
Summary: Satan is tiny goat boi.
1. Chapter 1- Mouse

There was a fierce pattering on the door, though Alciel, who was washing dishes, did not notice it. Lol.

The pattering increased in intensity, until it was actually audible. Alciel looked up and grabbing a bag, advanced to the door.

"Oh. There is a mouse. A brave mouse, but a mouse nonetheless." Alciel said. "I do not want to hurt you, little one, but Satan would be sad if a mouse had gobbled all his cookies up."

The door was flung open by someone outside, and Alciel saw a tiny quivering heap of raging goat prince.

"I… I'm not a mouse! Die, insolent wretch!"

Satan Jacob began stomping on Alciel's foot. Al was concerned. "My liege, what are you doing here? There is a mouse I'm hunting and you'll scare it away."

Satan looked around fearfully. "A mouse?"

"A mouse."

The small bundle of precious hugged Alciel's legs in a change of heart. "Will it bite my tail off? WIll it poop in my ears?"

Frowning, Demon General patted Satan's head. "Lucifer's been telling you stories, hasn't he? Don't listen to him."

"But you'll protect me? Alciel! I- I command you to protect me with all your might and prowess!"

The general leaned down and hugged him. "Always, my lord."

"Now let's go find that mouse."


	2. Chapter 2- A Little Tiff

"LUCIFER!"

"Ya? Wat."

Lucifer was eating chips on a tree branch. He was infuriatingly calm.

"Explain why you decided to throw Satan off a rooftop."

"Well," Lucifer began. "He has wings."

"He cannot fly, Lucifer."

"He can learn. I was teaching him." Lucifer shifted, tree bark scratching an itch on his left wing. "Why're you making such a big deal out of it anyway? He's not hurt or anything."

Alciel narrowed his eyes. "... you were trying to kill him!"

"What?! I-"

"You snake-in-the-grass! You wanted to replace him as king!"

Lucifer leapt down from the branch, eyes flaring in anger. "I would do no such thing, Alciel. You lose your place."

Alciel lashed his tail. "Says the clever fellow trying to dispose of Satan while he is weak!" he growled.

Lucifer sprung at the other demon general, and they went down in a flash of searing light.

Meanwhile, Satan was playing with Adramelech in a rock pool. He saw the flash and hopped out of the water.

"Lucifer and Al are fighting." Satan stated solemnly to Adramelech.

"Is that so, my little prince?" He replied. "What do you propose we do?"

Satan puffed up his chest and turned to his general. "We stop them, and give them cookies so they can be friends again. If they don't want to be, you can whup their butts, okay?"

"Okay."

He disappeared in a puff of dust. A very small one, because he smol, ok?

The garden was not a garden anymore. It was a smoking crater.

Alciel's cloak was ripped down one side. He held his side whilst Lucifer circled up overhead.

Satan emerged from a bush and fluffed up his tail. "NOOOOO!"

Scrunching up his face, he flapped his tiny wings until he was level with Lucifer. "Be friends again!"

Lucifer wiped his hands on his coat. "He thinks I was trying to kill you. He called me an unloyal bastard. I would never try to do that, you know? You're like a little brother to me. One I never had."

He looked down to Alciel, who was bleeding out into the sand. "He doesn't understand. I wouldn't hurt you. Well, not without a reason, anyway."

"Okeh." Satan sneezed. "Be friends with Al, 'kay?"

"He doesn't want to."

Satan pointed down below. "Addie is whupping his butt."

Adramelech was giving Alciel a noogie. The former did not look happy.

"He doesn't look happy." Lucifer remarked.

"I know." Satan giggled. "But it's funny."


	3. Chapter 3- Malacoda

Later it was discovered that Alciel had a wound in his side a handspan long. Because he was still suspicious of Lucifer and because Adra was an idiot (SORRY ADDIIIIEEE), the responsibility fell to Malacoda.

Malacoda did not like being pestered. Especially when the person doing the pestering was Satan.

"Codi! Codi! Al's HURT!" Satan shrieked. Malacoda issued a barely audible sigh. Kids were so annoying. What did a demon have to do to get some tape in Ente Isla?

"CODICODICODICODI!" Satan slumped to the ground, sniffling. "Big L hurt him. They were fighting! And Al's hurt."

"... why do you insist on calling that imbecile "'Big L"'? You make him sound like a gangster." Malacoda muttered.

The little prince's eyes were wide and round. "Too many big words."

"Get Lucifer to do it." he snapped.

"Nuh-uh."

"He can do magic." Malacoda's patience was waning thin as a wafer.

"Nuh."

"Why not?"

"He don't wanna." Satan said, playing with his cloak.

"... Now, really."

"Yeah." Satan mumbled. "Al is dying."

"I am fully aware of that. Wait for me, will you, you little pest?" Malacoda got up stiffly. Satan looked up.

"Mallie."

"What?"

"After, do you wanna eat with us?"

Malacoda considered this. "... I have no need for food. Nor do I have any need for companionship."

"Too many big words." Malacoda refused to look at the other, for fear of those puppy eyes.

"I mean, I don't need to eat." Malacoda did a double take when he realized he was holding the hand of the little demon child. "Don't do that."

Satan withdrew his hand glumly and ambled along. The older demon increased his pace.


	4. Chapter 4- Dammit, Emi

**_Oh, what the hell._**

"I feel an ominous presence." Alciel muttered to Adramelech. "One that will not go away." ** _  
_**

"Yeah. Okay." Adra replied, scratching his rear. "Sure."

The door creaked open, and a dark aura seeped in. "Alciel…" a creepy voice said. "Satan tells me you've gotten into a fight."

Alciel and Adramelech screamed.

"OPEN UP, YOU BASTARDS!" Emilia yelled. "THE HERO DEMANDS AN AUDIENCE!"

No answer. Mwahaha Emi, gotta try harder than that.

She kicked open the door. Bloody hell.

"DEMON KING SATAN! ALCIEL! WHERE THE F-"

"Sh sh sh." Lucifer emerged from the courtyard. "There could be innocent children reading this fanfiction."

"WHaT?"

"Never mind, ignorant one." Lucifer smirked. "Keep dreaming."

Emi smacked the base of her hand into his face. "Shuddup, rat."

"Ow." Lucifer said.

There was a whimper. Emi looked down and saw a small goat child staring up at her.

"Small one, tell me where the infernal demon king is or I'll smash this one's face in!" Emi yelled. "Obey me, small demon!"

"... I…" the child said, trembling in his boots. "I… ded!"

He flopped over, trying desperately to hold his breath in. Emi sighed and threw Lucifer aside. He landed in a bush, swearing loudly.

"Look, goat, where's the demon king?" Emi said gently. "I want to kill him and take his head."

His tail twitched. "Nope. I ded, scary girl."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL- Look, you're not dead. Don't try and fool me."

"Nuh."

"Tell me now." Emilia was getting impatient. If she did not return by sundown her so-called friends would eat all the pizza. Dammit, she loved pizza!

"Nuh."

"NOW!"

The demon squeaked and tried to run away, but the hero managed to grab onto his little scrap of a tail before he could deploy evasive maneuvers.

"GEH-HEH-HEH!" Emilia cackled, holding her terrified prize up to her eyes. "I HAVE YOU NOW!"

"NOOOOO!" he screamed, flailing his arms frantically. "NYAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

It was sort of cute, actually. Emilia had a sudden urge to dress it in a gown.

"Emilia the hero!" Lucifer yelled. "Bullying a small child, huh?!"

"Shuddup!" Emilia yelled back. She grabbed his wings and threw him into the same bush as before. "You're not important to me!"

"Am I?" the small demon asked.

"No." Emi said. "I just want what you have."

"... Oh…" he said, lip trembling. "Okay…"

…Emilia felt guilty. Then she did something she hadn't done in a long time.

She hugged the small demon to herself. "There, there. Shuddup now." Emi muttered. "Your strange liquids are getting on my armor."

"Hmm?" he enquired, sniffling.

"Nothing." Emi gingerly patted his head. Wow. What did he do to his hair to make it so soft?

"Emilia the hero!" Lucifer squeaked. "I-"

"-AM HERE TO STOP YOU! PUT THE PRINCE DOWN!" Alciel thundered. "... Lucifer, what are you doing here?"

He was standing on Lucifer's head (because logic or maybe Alciel harbored a grudge). The latter groaned.

"AL!" The child bleated. "There's a scary girl who wants to see the dee-mon king."

Alciel froze. Lucifer groaned once again. And the child smiled.

"Is your name Emilia? My name's Satan Jacob. I am five years old!" he squeaked. "And I think you're pretty." he added shyly.

They were all silent. Emi looked to Alciel.

"... I will explain." he said gravely. "But come inside. The wind is cold, and I have just finished baking some cookies.."

"Say wat." Emi replied sternly. "Demon General Alciel-"

"Bish, shuddup and come inside." Alciel muttered. "Please, my lady."

"U WOT M8!"

"GET IN!"


	5. Chapter 5- This is not a valid ship

"So." Emi said. "You mean to say that Demon King Satan was skinny dipping in a river and a troop of angels appeared and scared the crap outta him?"

"Ye." Alciel muttered, his head in his hands. "Ye, exactly."

Emi thumped the table, causing it to flip outta the window. "BULLSH-"

"AHEM HACK HACK KEM!" Malacoda coughed, gesturing to Satan, who was staring wide-eyed at Emilia. "There is a smol child present."

"Bull whatta?" the smol child inquired. "Addie has a cow head."

Emi cleared her throat and turned to Alciel, who was staring vacantly out the window, in the hopes that the now-ded table would miraculously fly into the room. "What happened next?"

"Satan was offered an awkward apology and a towel." Alciel said.

"Wha? Me?"

"Yes, you, little prince." Alciel muttered. "But your crazy wench of a mother-"

Emi stood up abruptly. "Say WHAT?!"

"...Your mother placed a spell on him. And it turned him into a tiny, flower-kissing child." Alciel paused slightly to reflect on his recent life choices. "I do not know why- I didn't get the chance to ask her. But she is known for making good decisions and… well, we have to wait until the spell lifts before we can continue our conquest and genocide of the human race."

" … huh." Emilia remarked intelligently, sitting back down. "Okay."

Satan solemnly bit into a cookie. It seemed that everyone was at a loss for words.

Alciel was muttering to himself. "Nothing we tried worked. Exposing him to war made him soil himself. Taking him along to a hunt resulted in the palace being filled with rabid bears. Do not ask." He told Emilia, hand held up. "I do not want to explain, so do not make me."

" … right."

"Yes. Very much so." Alciel replied amiably. "The harem did nothing but fawn over him-"

"Why would you give an innocent child a HAREM?!" Emilia shrieked.

"Why not?" Alciel said innocently.

"Huh?" Satan sniffed. "What's a hair-em?"

"My liege, a harem is-"

"DON'T YOU DARE TELL HIM WHAT A HAREM IS!" Emilia tackled Alciel and they went flying. Lucifer laughed and fell off the balcony railing he was sitting on, much to Satan's consternation. "DON'T POLLUTE THIS PRECIOUS, INNOCENT CHILD WITH YOUR IDEALS AND EXPECTATIONS!"

Said child farted and turned pink.

"GET OFF ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" Alciel demanded. "YOU IMMORAL LITTLE SHREW!"

"DON'T QUESTION ME ON MY MORALS! DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"

Alciel's expression turned serious. "Or do you want to stay like that for a while? I didn't know that you felt like that, Emilia."

"Wh-what?! NO!" Emi screeched, getting up quickly. "IDIOT!"

"Works every time." He muttered to himself.

"Where's the prince?" Malacoda exclaimed.


	6. Chapter 5 point 5- Oh Sheiße!

"And that," Lucifer said, "Is a dog crap."

"Okay!"

"I'm bored, S-J. Can we go somewhere else? There's just humans and nature stuff."

"Where's somewhere else?" Satan asked earnestly. "Is it fun?"

"It seems to be. They said it wasn't, but I could tell it was. Is." Lucifer replied. "Aaah, let's go, my loyal consigliere!"

"Okay!" Satan sneezed and wiped his nose with his sleeve. "Where're we going, boss?"

"Earth, little one." Lucifer smiled. "Earth."

"Are there any cookies?"

"Ye, smol precious. Ye."


	7. Chapter 6- Finally

Several weeks later, it was Adramelech who had the bright idea of searching in the human world.

"Adramelech!" Alciel exclaimed. "I cannot believe you gave us a good idea, for once!"

"HEY!"

"What?" the general remarked innocently. "It's true."

"Everybody shuddup!" Emilia yelled. "Let's head over rightaway! God, how did we not think of that?"

"Because author." Malacoda muttered.

Everyone ignored him. Because crap happens in life.

AND THERE'S NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT.


	8. Chapter 7- I promise, last shitpost

"YOU BITCH!" Lucifer screamed at Emi. "LET ME GO!"

"Nuh-uh. See a bitch, slap a bitch!" she retorted. "Alciel, get the rope!"

"Getting the rope." the demon-turned-human muttered. "Emi, be gentle. It's not like he'll bite you or anything."

Lucifer bit her, and she screamed and dropped him.

"VODKAAAAA!" Lucifer screamed back. (get this?)

"Oh shit I dropped the baby! Alciel, I dropped the baby!" Emi yelled, grabbing Alciel by his collar. "OMIGAWD WHAT DO I DO?!"

"I don't know." Alciel said weakly.

"WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO?!"

"I don't know…"

Emi screm

… don't do drugs, kids


	9. Chapter 8- Arrival

They staggered out of the conveniently placed alleyway and collapsed in a heap beside a dumpster.

"Damn." Emi said. "I guess it's welcome back. The good old days, Al."

"Please do not call me Al, Hero Emilia. I prefer Alciel."

Emi shot him a glance and rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"I suggest a head-count." Malacoda offered sarcastically. "That way, we can waste time even without trying to murder each other!"

"Hmm. That is a good idea, Malacoda. You idea is noted duly." Alciel replied earnestly, eyes shimmering with macho gratitude. "Very well. Emi?"

"Yeah."

"Malacoda?"

"Here."

"Adramelech?"

"Myoo."

"Adramelech?" Alciel asked again. "Is that you?"

"Moo." a tiny brown cow stepped out from the shadows.

Emilia's heart melted.


	10. Chapter 9- No

[Heads up; from now on, italics is the tongue of ente isla and bold is japanese]

"Who's there?" a voice called out.

Instantly, they all froze and squinted at the bright beam of a flashlight that was (quite helpfully) pointed in their general direction. A policeman gave them a suspicious look.

"What are you people doing here? It's seven degrees under. You should be at home. And is that a cow?"

" _I feel like I should say_ something." Alciel whispered. " _Otherwise it'll be awkward_."

" _Speak_ japanese _. It worked last time._ " Emilia whispered back.

" **Uh, hello. Where are we**?" Alciel questioned.

"Oh, foreigners." the policeman sighed. "Uh, ni hao?"

"Myerk." Adramelech replied. (cow translates both ways)

"You'd better come with me then." the policeman shivered. "It's freezing out here."

"Indeed." Emi said with a frosty glare.

Malacoda shivered and crossed himself.


	11. Chapter 10- Haha

Alciel woke up in a tangle of bedsheets. But how? Unless it was all just a cliched dream.

Nah, my writing's not that horrible.

He sat up, blinking his eyes to clear away the remains of sleep. Was that a sword that shot by his head to land in the wall?

Nah, just a normal dagger. Back to sleep.

Something plunged onto his chest. Alciel did not like it very much and rolled onto his side, retching loudly. The killing blow was dealt, a death-inducing poke to the face.

"URGH. Screw you kindly, Lucifer." Alciel spluttered.

"No thanks! And shut up!" Lucifer hissed. "Your mom called us to breakfast like, an hour ago."

"My mother?" groaned the almost-dead demon. "She left a long time ago. You son of a bitch."

"Shhhhhh! Shut up!" Begged Lucifer. "She'll kill us! She'll kill all of us!" Lucifer whispered, trying obviously to rein in his emotions. "...maybe except for Satan. He's too cute for anyone to kill." he admitted.

There was a scream. And it sounded like a soul begging from the depths of hell.

It sounded like small goot Satan.

Alciel and Lucifer yeeted out of the room, the newly-resurrected Alciel grabbing a hairbrush from the table beside his bed.

"WHO'S HURTING MY CHILD? FIGHT ME! FIGHT ME!" Alciel challenged, bursting into the dining room.

It was a strange scene that met his eyes. A robust, redhaired woman was holding a pan of steaming food. Malacoda… was not Malacoda (more on this later). And Satan had a large dog-beast on his lap, hence the screaming.

"AL- ALCIEL! PROTECT ME! A WOLF IS TRYING TO EAT MY FACE!" sobbed the little prince.

"WOOF!" the wolf barked cheerfully.

Alciel dropped the brush and began the sticky process of removing the dog. Satan threw his arms around him and buried his face in his clothes.

"THANK YOU, MY BRAVE WARRIOR! I WILL MAKE SURE BARDS SING OF YOUR COURAGE IN THE FACE OF DANGER! AND I WILL MAKE SURE TO NEVER LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP AGAIN!"

The general gave him an awkward pat on the head. "Thank you kindly, your majesty. I do not think this is a wolf. I am sure wolves do not bark. This is a dog, I think. It just wants to be friends with you."

"Now please, someone tell me what happened for us to get here."

The woman set down the dish and clicked her fingers, summoning the dog to her side. "Well, the feds put you all in my house. And wolves bark, though they don't do it often. Alciel, I thought your old man taught you things like that. I'll explain more later," she nodded to Al, who was questioning the meaning of life.

"Donkey does not bite. He never did." the woman said.

"What made you name your dog "'Donkey"', madam?" Malacoda asked politely.

"Because he's ugly. And he's got the personality." she stated dryly. Donkey yipped in agreement. "The name's Freyja. Silent J. Now sit down and eat your pie. We're going out soon and I don't want you all to look like the undead. I don't want to get a scare every five seconds. So EAT."

They ate. It was apple pie which Satan gobbled up greedily. Malacoda sipped orange juice.

"Oh, and Adramelech's on the roof." he mentioned casually.

"Why is he on the roof?" muttered Alciel.

"Don't ask."

It seemed to be a recurring theme.


End file.
